Political quiz (satire)

1. How do you feel about poor people?

A. I hate them because they're all too lazy to get jobs and they're a burden on society.

B. I love them! Rich people are selfish and they all hate the poor (this excludes rich liberals, by the way). I trust the government and only the government to help the poor.

2. When should it be legal to kill people (in cases other than self-defense), and whose job is it to kill people?

A. It's the government's job to kill people, and only if the people have done something horrible, like murder or treason. I trust the government to kill only those who are guilty and deserving of the death penalty.

B. People can kill people whenever they want, as long as it's a medical thing involving one's own body to some extent (such as abortion or assisted suicide). The government cannot kill people, unless a Democrat is in charge, in which case, I trust them to make the right decision.

3. How do you feel about guns?

A. They're awesome and people have the right to use them whenever they think someone's dangerous, even if it's for some stupid reason like wearing a hoodie. Oh, and only white people have the right to use guns; anyone else is dangerous and sketchy.

B. They're dangerous and only the police should be allowed to have them.

4. What causes violence?

A. Violent video games, secularism, LGBT+ acceptance, Marilyn Manson, Rammstein, and anything else I don’t like.

B. Guns.

5. How do you feel about war?

A. War is wrong, but it's sometimes necessary. And by sometimes, I mean almost always.

B. War is never okay! (Unless a Democrat says it is.)

6. Do you support gay marriage?

A. No! It destroys the sanctity of marriage and it hurts children and I only believe all that because of my religion. Anyone who supports it obviously wants to take away religious freedom.

B. Yes! Not only that, but Christian bakers should be forced to bake cakes for gay weddings!

7. Is birth control morally acceptable, or morally wrong?

A. It's morally wrong because it causes people to have premarital sex and it kills babies.

B. It's morally acceptable, and the government should pay for it!

8. How do you feel about government spending?

A. We should cut spending for everything except the military.

B. We should increase spending for everything except the military.

9. How should sex education be taught?

A. Abstinence-only. Teenagers shouldn't be taught the facts about birth control because it will encourage them to have premarital sex!

B. Sex should be portrayed as a good thing and abstinence should be portrayed as an unrealistic option for teens. The more Planned Parenthood gets involved, the better.

10. Who do you hate more, Muslims or Christians?

A. Muslims are all terrorists. Christians are being oppressed!

B. Christians are all backwards and homophobic. Muslims are being oppressed!

11. How do you feel about marijuana?

A. People who smoke pot should be arrested. I totally support the war on people who use drugs.

B. Marijuana is cool and definitely not bad for you! But smoking is wrong and should be banned.

12. How do you feel about individual liberty?

A. I support it, but only if you're a conservative Christian, or if you're in charge of a large corporation. That means I think premarital sex (or any sex that's between two people of the same gender), drugs, not being a conservative Christian, burning the American flag, getting a sex change, and anything else I disagree with should be strongly discouraged, if not illegal.

B. I support it, unless you're drinking soda, owning a gun, using plastic bags, shopping at Walmart, using light bulbs that are bad for the environment, not giving your money to causes I support...

13. How do you feel about education?

A. I prefer private education, but the government should pay for it. Even religious schools. Especially religious schools.

B. I support public education and only public education. Public education is a right, even if it's crappy.

14. Should abortion remain legal? If so, when?

A. Abortion should be completely illegal, except when I’m trying to hide that I’m having an affair.

B. Abortion should be completely legal, and the government should pay for it.

15. How do you feel about animal rights?

A. Animals were created entirely for our use, so we have the right to torture them.

B. Animals are 100% equal to human beings. Therefore, eating meat should be strongly discouraged, if not illegal.

16. Is racial equality still an issue? Gender equality?

A. No, they are not. In fact, now we have reverse discrimination. Now white men are being oppressed.

B. Yes, therefore women and people of color should be used as voting blocs. Affirmative action is not racist. Also, if we made abortion completely legal and accessible, and made birth control free, all the problems with sexism would be solved.

17. What's more important, equality or prosperity?

A. Prosperity. But who cares if some people are poor? They probably deserve it.

B. Equality. Even if we all live equally miserable lives.

18. Is privacy a constitutional right?

A. No. Privacy is for people who have something to hide.

B. Yes, but only if we're talking about sex and abortion. I only support spying on people if it's for leftist causes, or if a Democrat says it's okay.

19. Is it okay to have fun?

A. No! Any sort of fun is a sign of bad character, whether it's sex, drugs, listening to loud music, or whatever. People who want to have fun are obviously lazy and irresponsible.

B. Yes! Fun is important, and you should be able to have sex and use drugs as much as you'd like as long as you're not appropriating other cultures.

20. Has political correctness gone too far?

A. Yes! Anyone who isn't a rich, white, heterosexual, Christian man should stop complaining and learn their place.

B. No! It's offensive to even ask that question! You should've added a trigger warning!

21. So... how about those horrible events taking place in the Middle East?

A. We should bomb every country in the Middle East, except Israel.

B. How dare you criticize someone else's culture! Not all Muslims are evil, you know! You should respect their feelings!!

22. What do you think of the police?

A. If you don't want the cops to bother you, try following the law! #BlueLivesMatter

B. All cops are violent and racist, and yet they're the only people I trust to carry weapons.

23. Should abortion remain legal?

A. Only if I need to cover up an affair I’ve been having.

B. Abortion should be legal up until birth, the government should pay for it, and anti-abortion pregnancy resource centers should be forced to promote it.

If you answered mostly A's, you are a conservative and should vote Republican.

If you answered mostly B's, you are a liberal and you should vote Democrat.

If you answered a mix of A's and B's, you are weird and will never find a political party that completely agrees with your views.

If you answered "none of the above" and said something that was actually reasonable, then you actually think about things, unlike most people.

If you mostly answered "I don't care," then you either don't understand politics or you trust the government too much.